My "Suffering Testimony"

Note to Friends and Family: This post contains a recent and extremely personal example of how God redeemed a painful experience in the life of my family.  If you are a member of my family or a close friend who experienced this along with me, I suggest you proceed with caution depending on where you are in the healing process.

         I recently completed a course on church ministry during my studies at Liberty University and as a part of the course we read “Ministry Is . . .: How to Serve Jesus with Passion and Confidence” by Dave Earley and Ben Gutierrez (B&H Publishing Group, 2010).  In Chapter 21, “Turning you Hurts into Helps”, Dave Earley suggests that the reader should write up some of their painful experiences into a “Suffering Testimony.”  This process is designed to help turn these painful experiences into opportunities to minister to others.  Below is my suffering testimony in the format suggested by Earley:

My life seemed normal until I received a call from my mother-in-law, who was at the hospital with my five month pregnant wife. 

         It was a Saturday morning in September and I was at work.  At the time I was a narcotics detective with the Sheriff’s Office and was in the middle of serving a search warrant a drug house in our town.  I had left very early in the morning, or very late at night, and while I was searching the house I received a phone call from my wife, Jessica, who was around five months pregnant.  She told me that she was experiencing some severe abdominal pain, which was not altogether alarming because she also suffers from a chronic intestinal disorder that sometimes causes severe pain.  When she told me that she was going to get her mother to drive her to the ER I knew that something was amiss, but did not recognize the situation for what it was.  I told her to call when she found out what was going on and that I would meet her at the hospital when I had completed my work.

          After finishing up at the house I caught a ride with another officer back to where my car was parked.  On the way my mother-in-law called and sobbingly told me that I needed to come immediately to the hospital.  She wasn’t able to tell me what was wrong, and I don’t think that I even asked.  I knew that something was seriously wrong.  I prayed the whole way to my car and then to the hospital.  My mind raced with all the possibilities, both good and bad.

          Upon arriving at the hospital I found Jessica and by her countenance knew immediately that something was seriously wrong.  I asked her what was going on and she replied with words that still ring in my ears and elicit a violently emotional response as I recall them, “Our baby died.”  I held her a tightly as I could and wept with her for some time.  I don’t know if wept is a strong enough word to use, but a better word escapes me.  After that the rest of the day was filled with doctors, nurses, and concerned friends and family.

I discovered hope and help in Jesus when I was at the end of my ability to cope and was not able to go on.

          Jessica and I left the hospital several days later and returned home.  When I returned home I had to go through a process that I hope to never experience again, arranging my child’s funeral.  Because of my involvement in ministry I was familiar with some of the more pragmatic issues involved in planning a funeral service and handled those first.  I must say that I was surprised to see so many who I didn’t know cared deeply for Jessica and I reach out to help us.  I am forever grateful to those who assisted us during that time.

          With the funeral service arranged, music selected, and preacher lined up all of the practical issues had been resolved.  I suddenly realized that there was nothing else to be busy with and that I must face the reality that my son had died.  I had been so busy taking care of Jessica in the hospital, making arrangements, receiving guests, and the like that it really hadn’t hit me yet.  The weight of the whole situation came down on me and I felt as if I couldn’t move.  I had been praying that God would see us through everything and knew that he would, but I admit that I often wondered if my faith was strong enough to some through.  This experience was especially potent on the day of the funeral.

          Jessica and I woke up that morning and started to prepare for the day.  I don’t remember much about that morning, except one event that occurred as we were getting ready to leave for the church.  I told Jessica that it was time to go and she began to weep, I embraced her and I too be began to weep, or sob, or lament, or something.  Those words all do not seem to capture what was occurring.  It was there, at the side of our bed as we were leaving to go to the church for our son’s funeral, that I reached the end of myself.  There was no strength, mental or physical in my body.  I had no energy, no desire to go on.  I physically could not get up, or think, or speak.  It was there that I did the only thing that I knew to do, I cried out to Jesus.  I didn’t ask for strength or wisdom.  I didn’t ask for understanding of peace.  All I could muster was a simple prayer, “Jesus, help us.”

          The instant I spoke those words a miracle happened.  There was no flash of light or angel with a message.  Everything was not all better and I did not have an immediate peace with what was going on, but I had just enough strength to continue.  In that moment I experienced what the psalmist spoke of in Psalm 46:1.  God was my refuge and very present help in trouble. 

I am glad that I have a personal relationship with Jesus today because I have experienced what the psalmist wrote about those who call on the Lord in their day of trouble (Psalm 50:15).

         There are two ways to know something, academically and experientially.  To know something academically is to have “head knowledge,” to know fact and principles pertaining to a specific subject.  To know something by experience is to have “heart knowledge,” to know something because you have seen it.  The New Testament uses the Greek word ginōskō to describe this kind of knowing.  It is an intimate understanding of a subject that comes through experience.  The word ginōskō is the same word that the Septuagint uses to describe the intimate relationship between a man and wife that brings forth a child.  Coming into the experience I had “head knowledge” about how God relates to people going through these types of problems, but I now have ginōskō knowledge about God’s provision in trouble.

         We often relate what the prophet Joel wrote in Joel 2:32 to the crying out of the sinner as they accept Christ as Lord and Savior.  But the truth is that it applies just as much to Christians as to non-Christians.  The Gospel is just as much the center of Christian’s life and it is the turning point of the sinner’s.  Just as we begin our Christian walk by the spirit we are to continue to be made complete by the spirit, not by our own power (Galatians 3:3).